i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
