Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
my being single is dangerous.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
