he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
