My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
