paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
