we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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