the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
