One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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