Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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