Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
