i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
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Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
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Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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