When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
