They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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