before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
