Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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