she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
