I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
