your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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