In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
