I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
