You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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