3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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