Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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