Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
