So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
They have beer where we have blood.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
