I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
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I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
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Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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