I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
