I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
