god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
