Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
