There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
