I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
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you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
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Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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