why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
