I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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