I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We left an ass print on the piano.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
