his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
