You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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