Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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