I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
