did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
