I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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