Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize