Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
I touched a dick in church today