I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Houston, we have a squirter
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.