My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.