one might say we're banned from that church
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
