i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
