There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
