worst night to have a conscience
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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