Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
