my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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