Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
