I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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