after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
