I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
