Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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