someone threw a dead crab at me
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
