Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
