I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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